


You Always Say...

by Elizabeth A Nield (KayleeArafinwiel)



Series: A Poet's Life For Me: Introspections and Reflections [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Poetry, Real Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 11:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8142529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayleeArafinwiel/pseuds/Elizabeth%20A%20Nield
Summary: Written out of frustration, because my family didn't understand me, and I didn't understand me at this time.





	

"You always say I'm not inside your head."

Well, you're not inside my head,

Be grateful, for the inside of my mind

Is a scary and frightening place

It is a whirl of colour, of sparkles dancing

Back and forth, of water rising

A flood tide in motion, of fire sweeping

Through to burn me away,

Ever moving, the thoughts back and forth

Like a crowd in a store, I get lost, lost

Separated from you, from anyone

Nothing makes sense anymore

Like an international terminal

Where the watch is oddly relaxed

The guards are halved and so

Many things get through unchecked

Little explosions go off inside

Straining, trying to do as I should

Bonds snapping, ties breaking

Confusion abounds inside me

Is my head empty? No it is not

It's fuller than you might think

Why can't I be like all the others?

I am me, burdened with the pain

I try to share but you don't want

To hear it, you who bottle it up

Sharing, questioning, mustn't do it

You keep a wall around yourself

I am a dam breaking, a flood roaring

Like an earthquake my mind trembles

Even though my body doesn't show

More than a twitch here and there

Inside I shake, inside I quiver

My thoughts are a raging fire

Dark and lonely, painful to feel

Why can't I remember the good?

I want to remember, I want to know

Where was I those two lonely years?

Names and faces swim up inside me

But hardly ever together. I don't know

Where they come from, where they go

What will I do if I see them again?

I need to be held, to be secure

Where is the ground for my electricity?

It courses through me every waking moment

As I sleep, it works upon me, this power to

Keep the darkness at bay as best it can

So my mind is leashed, but never tamed

Pills and shocks keep it quiescent outside

Inside, I still think and feel too much to bear

The tremors have gone, but still I am me

"What are you thinking about?" you ask

Too many things to explain, so I say "nothing"

You know it for a lie, but what can I say?

By the time I begin to try and tell you

Your eyes glaze over, the names and places

Make no sense to you. I cannot share myself

I cannot share my world with you and so

I find safety and sanctity in the world of my making

The friends and family I have chosen for myself

Those that can calm the rushing river

I love you, Mum, Dad, I love you

My sister, my dear one, I love you

But you do not know me inside

You do not know how to calm the tide

My escape, my Middle-earth, my world

This is my release and I find it here

In the world of fantastic dreams

At last I am home and floating

Safe and secure on the calm sea

Toward rolling green hills

Behind the silver mist and a swift sunrise.


End file.
